“I Never Seem To Say It Right!”

by Richard P. Dacri

The ability to effectively communicate with employees is key to the success of the manager and the organization. Clear, concise communication, delivered with understanding, honesty and often empathy, can make the difference between whether the manager’s message is received or not. When dealing with a difficult situation with an employee, whether it is a coaching session or a performance appraisal interview, the words the manager chooses and the manner in which the message is delivered make a tremendous difference.

Beyond the delivery of the message, it is equally important that the manager listen carefully to the employee’s response. The manager must understand exactly what the employee means, looking beyond the mere words. The true meaning of the messages is not always found in the spoken words. It is often found in the intonation of the message, the body language or the tone.

As an example, in the two conversations outlined below, the manager, Tom, made very inappropriate responses to the situation presented. He “heard” the words that the employees were saying but never “listened” for their meaning.

In the first situation, Tom had to address a missed deadline with Mary, a good employee who was generally prompt about meeting all customer demands. Mary’s response to Tom’s inquiry about the problem went as follows:

Mary: “Well, you know, Tom, things are always hectic around here. We keep getting changes all the time.”
Tom: “But some of these changes are predictable. You just don’t plan well.”

In the second situation, Tom had to follow-up with another employee, Larry, who was supposed to take care of a customer complaint about a quality issue. Tom was upset because he thought the issue had been resolved earlier.

Tom: “Didn’t we talk about this before?”
Larry: “Yes, but this is a little different.”
Tom: “Frankly, I’m surprised that I had to call you in again. I assumed you took care of this problem months ago.”

After both exchanges, the employees walked away very upset and angry. Tom felt that he had properly addressed the problems, but wondered why the conversations were so one sided, abrupt, and lacked real, open dialogue.

In Tom’s exchange with Mary, Tom quickly made her very defensive. His statement that she did not plan very well was judgmental and failed to determine the real problem. It would have been better if Tom reflected upon the content of Mary’s statement and was more empathetic to her feelings. He might have said “It’s all the changes, then, that you feel are causing the missed deadlines.” By stating this, Mary would not have been so defensive and a discussion about the problem would have ensued.

In the second exchange with Larry, Tom again was being judgmental and was impatient with his statement “Frankly, I’m a bit surprised....” Tom could have improved the situation by finding out why Larry felt this case was a little different. He could have stated simply “Different? In what way?”

Though you can never exactly plan what you are going to say in advance, some basic coaching guidelines should be followed:
Approach the situation with a positive, helpful attitude
Avoid being judgmental
Be aware of your tone
Focus on the employee’s behavior, not their personality
Always maintain your objectivity
Listen carefully to what the employee is saying
Demonstrate to the employee that your goal is to help
Reach a consensus
Get commitment from the employee to a specific action plan

Tom was correct in addressing the issues with both Mary and Larry. His problems began with his approach and attitude. He did not listen for the true meaning of their message and simply reacted. If done differently, incorporating the basic coaching guidelines, Tom would have experienced better results.

Rick Dacri is an organizational development consultant, coach and featured speaker at regional and national conferences. Since 1995 his firm, Dacri & Associates has focused on improving the performance of individuals and organizations. Rick can be reached at 1-800-892-9828, or rick@dacri.com